BitterSuites

Who is Ashley, you ask? I thought this was Kate’s blog. Well, that’s true enough. I’ve asked Ashley here because she has one of the most adorable books coming out: Meet Abby. Which you should order. *nods firmly* I didn’t know she was a Justice League lover, I may need to re-evaluate our friendship. And poutine is amazing. Don’t listen to her.

Kate asked me to do a guest post this week for her blog. So here I am.
Hello. I’m Ashley Voris and I’m a local author. I didn’t know what to write. Seriously. I had no
clue. On my blogs, I’m writing and publishing my first book. (Shameless plug). I though about
various topics that revolve around my book, but I get a bit rant­y. After staring at my screen for
several hours, I have decided to let you take a peak into my ADD brain. Why? Because. No other
reason. Just because. So here you go. More information about me that you really wanted to know
set in the style of one of those types of poem thingies where you start out with a letter and you pick
a word that describes you or something like that. Kate will know what I mean and will edit
accordingly or add the answer in italics.

A

is for allergies. I have terrible seasonal allergies. Everything is pollinating and spreading sperm everywhere. It isn’t fair. I think it is rather inconsiderate of trees. I think they should ask. What if I didn’t want to breathe their pollen. Bad touch! Trees are jerks.

B

is for beignets. God these things are delicious. I haven’t made these in a while. I should fix that.
Deep fried dough topped in powdered sugar? Such a delicious mess. Am I right?

C

is for coffee. Gift from the writing gods. How else do I survive NaNoWriMo? Tea is great and
all, but it isn’t coffee. There was a time when I was told I couldn’t drink coffee ever again. I was
devastated. Thankfully, it was only for a short amount of time. I may have lost my mind if I could
never drink coffee ever again. Can you imagine?

D

is for dog. I love big mutts and I cannot lie. Not small dogs. Anything under 30lbs is not for me.
I love big drooly dogs.

E

is for exterminate. I shout this as I chase after my cats with a plunger and a whisk. (If you don’t
get that reference, I feel sad for you.)

F

is for my favorite four letter word. I love that word. I use it as much as I can and in everything I
write…..huh?…..I’m talking about the word FAVA. What word are you thinking about?

G

is for giraffe…..I like giraffes. Ricky Gervais went off on this trophy hunter chick that posted a
picture of herself with a dead giraffe. It was killing for the sake of killing. You can’t eat it. What
was the point of killing the poor creature?

H

is for Holy hell this is going to be a long blog post.

I

is for ice cream. I can’t really eat it and that makes me sad. But I do anyway and that makes me
happy but also really sick.

J

is for Justice League. Batman is the best followed by Wonder Woman. Superman can suck
kryptonite. Ooooohhhh…..thems fightin’ words!

K

is for kitties. The biggest distraction on the internet. I can’t tell you how often I find myself in
youtube watching funny kitty videos. They are so cute. And I want a basket of them all wearing
kitty bow ties and……*cries*….I’m sorry…..I just love kitties.

L

is for lack of focus. Have you ever tried to write a 50K novel when you have ADD? I’m like
Doug on the movie “Up”. “Hello. I just met you and I love you SQUIRRLE!”.

M

is for mating, which is what the trees are trying to do right now with all the pollen they are
shooting into the air which them goes into my nose and lungs causing me to suffer from asthma.
Also, the yellow sheen on my car is gross, guys. Get your crap together trees!

N

is for NaNoWriMo. One month to write 50,000 words. 30 days. Do you know how difficult that
is to do? How many cups of coffee? A month of sleepless nights trying to get your freaking
characters to follow the outline but they refuse and run amok in your story causing total
mayhem…..my characters are jerks.

O

is for ocean.

P

is for poutine. What the hell is poutine? It sounds gross.

Q

is for Quebec which is in Canada where poutine is made. What is this stuff???

R

is for reading. I love to read. It is my favorite thing to do other than eating and sleeping. I love
reading. My favorite book is “The Little Prince”. It is so good. I’m going to get a tattoo of the fox
at some point in time. It is on my list.

S

is for sneezing which is what I constantly do because trees are jerks. My cat, Lady Niblet of the
Chubby Cheeks, and I get into sneezing contests. She’s a Persian and had a smooshie face so she
has allergies too.

T

is for tattoos. I love tattoos. I need a new tattoo. I have a few of them right now, but I need more.
I want a literary tattoo. I have one in my head. I need an artist to bring it to life. Then I want a
nebula half sleeve, and a Star Trek one, and a Star Wars one, and a Dr. Who one, and a Batman
one, and a Beatles one….. I have a whole pinterest board dedicated to tattoos. I’m addicted.

U

is for Under Pressure. That is the current song playing on my iPod. Once, I was headed to a
friends out and it was beautiful out so I had the windows down. I was blaring this song and the
beginning of it came on right at the time I stopped at a light. Some Douche Canoe honked at me
and asked me why I was listening to “Ice Ice Baby”. I said some not so nice things and turned up
the song really really loud.

V

is for Voris. That’s my last name. Not my maiden name. I changed it when I got married. My
husband is from the Van Voorhees clan which is either one of the largest or THE largest Dutch
family in America.

W

is for wine. I like wine. I can’t have white wine because I’m allergic to white grapes. A
restaurant tried to kill me not to long ago. They mixed white wine in their red wine sangria and
added cherry syrup for sweetness. One would THINK that red wine sangria is red wine only.
Nowhere on their menu was it listed that was an ingredient. I wasn’t happy.

X

is for……x ray?Xylophone? I got nothing.

Y

is for yippee! This is almost over! I’m losing my steam, guys. Seriously. I’m sitting in Starbucks
listening to Taylor Swift while trying to focus long enough to finish this thing.

Z

is for the Zyrtec I have to take because trees are jerks. I hate spring.

So there you have it. If anything you have wasted the last few minutes reading my literary ADD. I
hope this post finds you well. I kinda stink at closings so you can choose from the following:

Gerominooooooo!

Be kind to each other and party on dudes!

Live long and prosper.

My the force be with you.

There is no Dana, only Zuul.

Okay, I’m a little behind the eight ball this week. So, I’m going with the ever popular list post. *grins*

Below are five movies, I hate, but seem to be really popular. In fact, I am so far in the minority on these movies that I rarely say anything about it.

1. Pulp Fiction – This is the most boring movie I have ever attempted to sit through. I watched it just to have the relevant cultural references. If you’re going to watch Tarantino, watch Reservoir Dogs (excellent crime movie) or Kill Bill (amusing hyper-violent kung-fu). Hell, watch Dusk Till Dawn (perfectly cheese vampires).

2. Wizard of Oz – The music is okay, but I just cannot abide Dorothy and I want to punch Glinda. I haven’t been able to make it through the books either. (Didn’t make it through Wicked either. Sorry folks, this one isn’t for me.)

3. It’s a Wonderful Life – Clarence is the only redeeming factor in this movie and he is *not* in it enough to make me willing to sit through this movie.

4. The Christmas Story – Why do people like this movie? Seriously? I don’t like anyone in it. Not the main character. Not his friends. None of them. I don’t give a damn about their lives and I don’t like the movie. Many movies I can at least understand why people like them, this one leaves me completely blank.

5. Ace Ventura – Jim Carrey why must you continue to ruin my life? I consider this patient zero for the infection of crap comedy in the world today. Fart jokes and stupid voices are not comedy. At least not *all* of comedy. Class it up Hollywood.

What movies are you “supposed” to like that you just can’t stand?

Cross-posted at The Art of Procrastination

“Writer’s Block” is a mythical creature that gets blamed for everything from not starting projects or finishing projects, to not getting edits completed. It’s an excuse for another glass of wine or five more minutes (hours) on Pinterest.

Many pros will tell you that it doesn’t exist. It’s seen only by virgin writers who believe in it. Special Snowflakes with artistic temperaments and fae-touched vision.

Be that as it may, what’s real is resistance. “Resistance” is a psychological term, which, when used in therapy or analysis, implied that the client is resistant to change or resistant to confronting an issue. Normally, this also implies that there is a deeper issue which must be tackled to overcome what is now a road-block or plateau in therapy.

I am using it in a similar fashion. When an author claims writer’s block, what they’re really saying is more often “I’m tired,” “I’m bored,” “I’m scared,” “I’m frustrated,” “I’m depressed,” “I’m in trouble,” or even, “I don’t actually want to be a creative person, but I’ve been saying it so long that I’m ashamed to let go of it,” or “This is harder than I thought.”

And what they want is attention, tea and cookies, and someone to gossip with or bounce ideas off.

You may see yourself here. But now you know that there is a deeper reason that you aren’t writing; you need to find out what that is. You’re not a fae-touched Special Snowflake, you are a writer. You want to fix this, and be a professional.

It’s all well and good for pros to say “just do it,” but if you’re tired and cranky and depressed, then there’s something else that needs to be dealt with.

So how does you deal with those issues? If you’re tired, in a physical sense, take a fifteen minute nap or meditate for fifteen minutes, then sit down and write something. (Even if that something is “why naps are beautiful.”)

If you’re bored, try Write or Die. Set it to the automatic erase level and write for five minutes. If you stop typing, the program starts eating what you’ve written. Or challenge yourself by moseying over to Chuck Wendig‘s blog and checking out one of his challenges. Then, when you’ve done that, work on your main project again.

If you’re grieving, dealing with a major stressor, in the middle of a depressive spin, or even just have the flu, that’s okay. Deal with those problems. The writing will come back. Make yourself well. Or find a way to work around it. Drag a journal into the bed with you. Burrito on the couch for awhile. Call your therapist and talk it out. Use whatever coping techniques you need. Just believe that the writing will come back. Maybe not tonight or tomorrow, but some day. I’m going to get metaphysical for a moment: the writing is part of you and it cannot be destroyed — only changed by circumstances. Maybe you don’t write fluffy humor stories anymore, that’s fine. Change direction.

I went for nearly year without a new project or finishing an old one. For me this is a big deal. (I do three-day binge writing, and otherwise produce copious amounts of words, even if no one reads them.) It wasn’t until I discovered a physical issue and fixed it that anything got done. I still go through phases when I’m not feeling well where I don’t even answer email. It’s okay. It happens.

If you’ve decided that you don’t want to be a pro writer, that’s okay. I give you permission to walk away. Feel free to keep reading about writing and publishing. Just stop beating yourself up for not writing. Be a reader instead. If you keep focussing on something you now hate, you’ll never find the thing you love. And love is much better for you than hate. So try something else creative — painting, crafting, photography. Find something you love.

If you’re thinking “this is hard,” you’re right. Writing is hard work. Publishing can be gruelling. Dealing with editing or negative reviews or market indifference can leave you feeling like a newly shorn sheep. Suck it up, Buttercup. If  this career is what you want, learn to cope.

Resistance is real. Don’t let it stop you. I believe in you.

Crossposted at The Art of Procrastination.

I always forget that there are new people entering the writing world who don’t research the Hell out of publishing before they aim for a publishing contract. They don’t even make themselves familiar with how publishing works. This was brought strongly to my attention when an acquaintance was pointed in my direction. She was having editor issues. (Not the first, surely not the last.)

I asked the question “which publisher are you with?” for purely selfish reasons. I always want to know who to avoid. She gave me a name which I googled while I was on the phone with her.

“Oh, you’re self-publishing?” I winced at this point because I recognized an infamous name associated with her publisher. She wasn’t aware of the fact that she was 1) with Author Solutions 2) Self-publishing 3) being sadly and utterly screwed by not knowing how to write a query and 4) didn’t know how to find a publisher in her genre. (I realize my parallel construction has been wrecked in this paragraph, but moving on…)

She didn’t know the main rule: “Money flows toward the writer.” She signed a contract and paid a lot of money to get a publishing contract.

Now, I have opinions about vanity presses, which I will now hereby separate from self-publishing. In general, vanity presses are scams.

There is nothing wrong with paying an editor to edit your work prior to self-publishing.

There is no reason not to hire someone to create your cover if you don’t feel your art skills are up to it.

Hire a marketer or layout artist.

Heck, find an off-set printer to who will do all the above for you.

But MAKE SURE they follow through on their promises. Research is your friend.

Always check Writer Beware. Google the company. (It took me less than 15 seconds to find warnings on the above referenced publisher.)

Vanity Presses don’t always follow through. Those related to Author Solutions? Oh, they are a danger. Red flags all over the place. Author Solutions hides under the skirts of other publishing houses. They upsell and upsell and provide crappy products on the back end. (At least by everything I have found on them.) They’re dangerous and they’re in the middle of a lawsuit for breach of contract and more. The lawsuit is pressing to be turned into a class action suit, but this is still in litigation.

So rule of thumb:

1) Genuine publishers do not ask you for money after accepting your query.

2) Publishers pay editors.

3) Publishers pay for cover-artists.

4) Publishers pay printers.

5) Publishers pay distributors.

If you are self-publishing:

1) Research distribution channels! Amazon is not the only one.

2) You pay for the editor.

3) You pay for cover art.

4) You pay for printing.

Bottom Line:

Before paying for *any* service, research the company. 

RESOURCES:
Writer Beware
The Author Solutions Case

Crossposted at: The Art of Procrastination